Harry Potter and the Completly Random Situations
by Helluinriel
Summary: A random humour fic my friend and I wrote in French class, when we were waaaay to bored.


AN: This is a very random story my friend and I wrote in French class. Actually with all the writing it's a wonder we learned any French at all that year…

Disclaimer: This is where I must admit that none of the characters are mine… not even Narcissa the purple turtle. I just borrowed them from JKR, gave them way too much caffeine and set the loose to reek mayhem on the earth, MWAHAHAHAHAHA Looks around …. I mean read and enjoy

Voldemort: MWAHAHAHAHA I've conquered the immediate surroundings and there's no one here to stop me.

Petunia: Young man! What are you doing in my garden? Do you know how long it took to plant those? And in my petunias of all things!

Voldemort: Avada...

Petunia: (snatches wand and breaks it in half) Don't you go pointing sticks at me. Now get off my property before I call the police.

Voldemort: m...m... my wand (starts to cry) you... (sob) will...(hiccup) pay!

Petunia: Pay for a stick? Teenagers these days, nothing but...

Neville's Uncle Algie: (apperates in a rose bush with wand out) Don't worry poor muggle (struggles to get out of the rose bush tearing robe in the process) I'll save you! Get away from her you horrible Death Eater!

Harry: Aunt Petunia! (Looks outside and sees Voldemort) Ahhhh! It's Voldemort. (Goes and hides under the lose floorboard under his bed)

Voldemort: Well that was easy.

Petunia: You...(stares at Voldemort in horror) You're a wizard aren't you? Get out (starts swinging soapy frying pan at him) Shoo! Go on, get! Horrid little wizard.

Voldemort: And I thought Arthur Weasley was clueless... I was leaving anyway. I just wanted to leave Harry an invitation to afternoon tea.

Algie: Tea? What kind of tea? Will there be crumpets?

Dudley: (Comes outside) Did someone say crumpets? Ma, I want crumpets. Make me some crumpets. And ice cream cake. I want Baked Alaska too.

Dobby: (Apperating) I will make young master tea and crumpets and ice cream cake and baked

Alaska and pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs (passes out because he forgot to breathe)

Dudley: (staring at Dobby) It's….so...cute! (Dives to pick up Dobby and starts rocking him like a doll) Mummy, can I keep it?

Algie: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Why don't you just give me the house elf and I give you a nice toad instead all right? (Reaches for Dobby)

Dudley:(clutches Dobby to his chest) No! You keep your hands away from my Mary-Loo or else I'll...I'll... I'll write a fan fiction and make you fall in love with a Mary-sue!

Everyone: Gasps

Petunia: Now, now, dear. No need to be cruel.

Legolas: I am Legolas of Mirkwood, The fairest, smartest, quickest and most modest elf in all of Middle Earth.

Algie: A bit tall for a house elf aren't you? How'd you get here anyway?

Legolas: It all started in potions class one day when young Hermione Granger was experimenting with potions when Mister Neville Longbottom tipped the potion over and spilled it all over Hermione's copy of Lord of the Rings. Then in a puff of purple smoke I appeared. In the following weeks I became good friends with Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley. When summer cam I decided to stake out in Harry Potter's back yard in order to protect him from...

Algie: (waving wand at Legolas) Dissaperis Characteres Crossoveris (Legolas disappears in a puff of yellow smoke) Only way to get rid of them. They're popping up everywhere these days.

(Suddenly the chimney on the Dursleys' house explodes in a puff of green smoke throwing bricks and random car pieces including a bumper with the sticker "Save the Muggles" on it)

Ron: I just tried to apperate, fly the car, and use floo powder to get to your house at the same time. Mum's not going to be happy about this. (Notices Voldemort) Ahhhhhh Voldemort! (Goes and hides under Harry's bed with him)

Harry: Hi Ron! I'm glad there is finally someone else who's sane here.

Petunia: (Is staring at the house) My house... my perfect tidy (hiccup) normal house is (sob) ruined. (Bursts into tears)

Algie: (looks alarmed) Now, now dear. It's not that bad. It's just a chimney. We can fix it with a little magic.

Petunia: (screeching) Not that bad! Fix it with a little magic!

Narcissa: (Apperates in front of Voldemort) Excuse me Mr. Dark Lord sir? I've just brought...(Sees Petunia sobbing into her hands) Oh you poor dear. (Rushes to her side) Now why don't you tell me what's wrong? (Petunia tells the story between sobs and hiccups) Oh that's awful. Now don't you worry I'll make sure that Weasley boy gets what he deserves. Now why don't you go inside and rest? I'll come in and make tea after I give Tom and application for my son. All he does these days is mope around and torture house elves. A summer job as a Death Eater will be good for him.

Harry: (finally coming out of hiding) My Aunt and Mrs. Malfoy having tea together?...Nothing Makes sense anymore!... Wait I could actually see my Aunt being evil. Okay Ron the coast is clear.

Ron: There aren't any spiders down there?

Voldemort: (In Harry's voice) The only place there aren't spiders is in the cupboard under the stairs.

(Ron promptly goes into said cupboard then runs out of the house screaming when he finds it full of spiders)

Dobby (finally awake again): Harry Potter I am here to save your life!

Harry: Ahhhh! (Runs and hides under his bed again)

Narcissa: Excuse me Mr. Riddle, but would you be so kind as to answer a few questions? You see my son Draco is interested in a job as a Death Eater and I was wondering if he would be home by curfew. Also, I just bought him some new silk robes and wanted to know if there was any possibility of getting blood on them.

Voldemort: Stop asking stupid questions. It hurts my brain. Cruico! (Looks down and realizes he has no wand) Fine! (Starts tickling her instead)

Algie: I demand you stop torturing that poor defenseless woman. (Tries to curse Voldemort, but misses, turning Narcissa into a purple turtle. Tries again and gives Voldemort cat ears and a tail)

Dobby: Dobby has been trying to turn mistress into a turtle for years! (Hugs Algie) Dobby will work for master.

Voldemort: (Tries to give Algie a wedgie)

Dobby: You must not hurt Master (propels Voldemort backwards like at the end of the CoS movie)

Petunia: (comes outside) What do you think you're doing? First you were stomping on my petunias and now your lying in my lilies. (Towers over Voldemort, glaring down at him) You are not to go home until you put this garden in proper order. And you can be assured I'm going to talk to your mother about this.

Voldemort: (stands up and stomps on flowers) I like killing lilies. (Stomps again)

Petunia: You… (Face turns maroon) Arrgh! (Charges at Voldemort scratching and pulling at his ears)

Ron: I HATE Maroon! (Charges at Aunt Petunia to attack the maroon)

Mad-eye Moody: (Apperates and begins cursing everything that moves)

Dudley: (Charges at Ron but gets turned into a pig halfway there)

Ron: (Is charging Petunia when he trips. While on the ground his skin is turned Maroon with yellow polka dots)

Petunia: (Is biting Voldemort's arm when he gets turned into a one foot tall spider)

Algie: (is watching the chaos) Ah what the heck. (Turns himself into a toad)

Ron (Rubs his skin furiously) I HATE MAROON! AHHHH A SPIDER!

fin

AN: Please Review! Yes I know it's strange, but review anyway.


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